Changing my point of view

Changing yourself is never comming by force from outside. Changing yourself is a kind of enlightment you have to feel and the moment you see and feel the better for yourself of changing something, you will do things differently because you saw, it’s worth it. (Which doesn’t mean, that once in a while you fall back to old habits… it’s part of changing)

If you follow my blog already for a while, you know my love comes from a different culture and some problems which we face are cultural ones, some are problems many couples have. For a very long time, I suffered from our very different way of communication – which is mainly shaped by our different origins of culture – and a little bit by the family sourrounding we come from.

For me communication is part of our relationship, it’s like making love… a good talk can give you a stronger bond, as you feel how much you share. Making love also gives a strong bond, feeling how deeply you can be connected on a non-verbal way. (In case you are not the talkative one ;). ) At the same moment a good talk is one of the ways to confirm the relationship, especially when you are not together and sharing daily life. It’s the way to get yourself a hug, to get close, to know – what’s going on.

And than there are people who can have all this inside their hearts, making this dialogue to a monologue, because they can wait and their way of talking “love” is mostly done non-verbal. Everybody has it’s own way to handle distance.

This difference was getting back to me, again and again. Trying dialogue and not hearing the answering monologue made it sometimes really hard for me to understand, how love can exist like that. And it needed a lot of fights, discussions and later talks about it – how I feel, how my love feels, and what we both expect and think in exactly this situations. Anyway I still found myself in a lot of siutations, where I tried to “think it”, but it never really worked out, as my heart felt differently. … till the day came, that i experienced something new.

I changed my point of view on somethings, taken by daily life again and maybe more grown in some capacities, all of a sudden, I could hear the monologue as an answer on my dialogues. And I could sit quiet and wait… to hear the monologue becoming louder and more clearly to me. I don’t know jet, if my love could start understanding the dialogue at the same moment, but obviously it was mostly me having a problem with the way of communication, so to solve it, was also more interesting to me.

I assume, that one huge blockade was I myself. That some fears or voices inside me were talking to loud, to really listen to what I was supposed to hear. Now I know that to tolerate the difference between our different ways of communication is also part of the solution for that exact problem. And this is my changed point of few and the moment when I startet to hear, what I was supposed to hear.

See also To measure your treasure…

Summary:

Take your time to really put your finger on a problem which is comming again and again to disturbe you. Make sure you find out the original problem behinde the appearance… And try to work on it. Keep in dialogue about the problem. Don’t be to hard with yourself or your partner, some things come slowly and some things need you to develop some qualities before you might understand – like a computergame, where you have to collect something in level 2 to fight the enemy in level 4. 😉

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“The limits of my language are the limits of my world.”

“The limits of my language are the limits of my world.” Ludwig Wittgenstein.

This quotation gave me a lot of inspiration. Actually the limits of our language are the limits of our world. At least under the conditions that we share our world with other people. To share your ideas, your dreams, your feelings and your inner world – you need words to describe this world to somebody. And everybody knows the very moment you try to catch a feeling or an idea you want to express, but you lack the words. At these very moments I mostly feel very uncomfortable, that I am not able to put it in to words, and the person I am talking to stays somehow in a foggy land, trying to follow but not really sure about taking the right path.

So in a relationship between cultures you have to be very attentive in listening to your love, as both people mostly don’t use the same language or expressions. You may be describing the same thing, but using different styles and expressions to paint the same picture with respect to your language. You may be drawing the same image but with different colors and finally you don’t understand each other rightly. Nevertheless, this is not a bad thing. If you are dealing even with two languages, I don’t think that your world is limited where your “language” stops, but where both languages stop. That means your range is growing.

(Not just for the fact, that you learn a second language well.)

To get back to Wittgensteins quotiation – at the same moment  there is something missing. A spoken language is one side of communication, but there is also the unspoken language, which crosses the limits exactly at the point where you lack words to express. Everybody knows the following situation: You enter a party with many people. At the very first moment there will be at least one person catching your attention and maybe one person you don’t want to talk to at all. This phenomenon is just part of the wide range of unspoken communication. There is more, we can’t put into words. And maybe we don’t have to put it into words.

How would you describe in words that feeling when your lover takes your hand and presses it strongly, to let you know that he or she is there for you in a difficult moment. Would you call it support, love, comfort … etc” Is there really a word good enough to explain the feeling in it’s entirety? Well I don’t think so. How would you describe the feeling of a hug after two months without your partner? That one hug which tells you more about the time he or she spent alone and the joy to see you again, than anything else:  Would it be enough to say “I missed you badly!” or “Good to see you again!”… etc.

Summary:

Understanding what your lover tells you is important, so listen well and talk about your understanding. Sometimes it is even more worth to talk about expressions and what they mean, because by so doing, you find out whether or not you are speaking the same “language”, though you are not speaking the same language.

At the same moment, try to feel what’s going on and trust your feelings. There is so much more in that unspoken language, that you can’t catch from words so stay attentive and find ways to express yourself, so that your language is not an absolute limit to your world.