BreakDown as a break up from being down!

What we imagine one of the most beautiful moments in our lives, sometimes turn to be the most difficult and challenging ones. Why? Because our expectations have been high for those moments, they have been very different to the final outcome… These moments are not necessarily bad or terrible, just that we missed the beauty as we waited for a different shine to show up.

When I gave birth to my daughter, I thought I had barely no expectations. It was not my first child, so I knew already that you don’t know what is coming. The following weeks showed me, that I was actually full with them. Two weeks after birth, I had a total break down, which clearly uncovered one expectation after another. First of all, I had expectations for the birth itself, for the first two weeks after, for the following time after, I expected form my partner different work plans than he finally followed, I expected from my family different way of support, than I got… It was just too much for this first weeks.

All this got me totally to my limits and ended up in a break down. After some months now, I can look back and say, that my expectations were bringing me down, but it helped me in a lot of things, to break and get myself back on my feet. Why? Because in this moment of breakdown, I was forced to have a break from diplomacy. I stopped trying to always understand the other side and hold back, what I needed or wanted or just wished for myself, especially in my family. I expected this already as a normal behaviour from my surrounding, but I was just confronted with the opposite after birth.

The break down gave me the chance to be completely naked, wether I liked it or not, in front of the people, who are close to me. Love me and just accept the person I am or leave. For sure I was told: “What happened?” and “when will you be back on your strength”… meanwhile I told them: “I will be, when I am ready”, not when they want or need me to be.

Sometimes, I think my daughter finally forced me to stand up for myself – especially in my family. As loud as she is asking for love, food or care, I had to ask for my own needs. And it’s something I want to teach my kids as well, so if I might not have been able to do this consequently enough before, now I know how to do… Thank u my dear.

Summary:

Our most frustrating moments teach us a lot about ourselves. Just go back, watch, understand and take something out for yourself. And than leave the moment as a memory behind, don’t dwell on it and stay.¬†

 

Advertisements

Your love is my love…

Sometimes you have one of these days: Everything goes wrong, your colleague has to point out today what you don’t need to hear and a person on the street needs to disturb your fragil freedom, you don’t come home today, because you are out for work – though you want to come home badly and just close the door.

The only people I let close to me at those days is my family, my love. I just need a place, where I can be exactly like I feel after closing the door. For sure, these days when I can’t come home and try to call my love, I don’t get through because there is a network problem or he is busy and doesn’t pick the phone. I won’t continue to write, how that kind of days normally end… I just leave it to you.

… The days he is picking or I get through, I just love him for standing me the way I am and listening to all the small, small things I need to complain about. Telling him any little injustice which made that day to one of those days. You know your love is a good choice, if he is somebody who treats you exactly the way you need to be treated, to get back on your feet. For some people it might be a hard treatment: “Stop crying. Don’t let it get to you!” for some it might be the very nice comforting way: “My love, I understand. Tomorrow the day will be better, baby…”. It doesn’t matter how you need it, but that there are people who know what to do. And this people are real treasures. So keep them around, but don’t just call them when you are down. ūüėČ

Summary:

Love is not just the big movie and romance you find in Hollywood. Love is also part of daily life. Love is not just the good days, but also the arms which hide you from the world, the day you feel like hiding from the world. If you found that pair of arms, you are one of the lucky ones. And it doesn’t have to be necessarily your love. Sometimes it’s your mum, your baby, your sister or brother or a very good person around you…

“The limits of my language are the limits of my world.”

“The limits of my language are the limits of my world.” Ludwig Wittgenstein.

This quotation gave me a lot of inspiration. Actually the limits of our language are the limits of our world. At least under the conditions that we share our world with other people. To share your ideas, your dreams, your feelings and your inner world – you need words to describe this world to somebody. And everybody knows the very moment you try to catch a feeling or an idea you want to express, but you lack the words. At these very moments I mostly feel very uncomfortable, that I am not able to put it in to words, and the person I am talking to stays somehow in a foggy land, trying to follow but not really sure about taking the right path.

So in a relationship between cultures you have to be very attentive in listening to your love, as both people mostly don’t use the same language or expressions. You may be describing the same thing, but using different styles and expressions to paint the same picture with respect to your language. You may be drawing the same image but with different colors and finally you don’t understand each other rightly. Nevertheless, this is not a bad thing. If you are dealing even with two languages, I don’t think that your world is limited where your “language” stops, but where both languages stop. That means your range is growing.

(Not just for the fact, that you learn a second language well.)

To get back to Wittgensteins quotiation – at the same moment ¬†there is something missing. A spoken language is one side of communication, but there is also the unspoken language, which crosses the limits exactly at the point where you lack words to express. Everybody knows the following situation: You enter a party with many people. At the very first moment there will be at least one person catching your attention and maybe one person you don’t want to talk to at all. This phenomenon is just part of the wide range of unspoken communication. There is more, we can’t put into words. And maybe we don’t have to put it into words.

How would you describe in words that feeling when your lover takes your hand and presses it strongly, to let you know that he or she is there for you in a difficult moment. Would you call it support, love, comfort … etc” Is there really a word good enough to explain the feeling in it’s entirety? Well I don’t think so. How would you describe the feeling of a hug after two months without your partner? That one hug which tells you more about the time he or she spent alone and the joy to see you again, than anything else: ¬†Would it be enough to say “I missed you badly!” or “Good to see you again!”… etc.

Summary:

Understanding what your lover tells you is important, so listen well and talk about your understanding. Sometimes it is even more worth to talk about expressions and what they mean, because by so doing, you find out whether or not you are speaking the same “language”, though you are not speaking the same language.

At the same moment, try to feel what’s going on and trust your feelings. There is so much more in that unspoken language, that you can’t catch from words so stay attentive and find ways to express yourself, so that your language is not an absolute limit to your world.

 

face yourself

 

Pic: By Tina Marohn: Multiperspektive

A relationship becomes a mirror, if we really open up to love. The picture we have to face in the mirror is not steady, it’s changing every time we face the mirror. And it’s reflecting all the fragments of our personality.

If you are really into love, you open up. The very beautiful parts of your personality come out to show up, because you don’t hide anymore. But also the very ugly sides show up, the very moment you could be hurt or attacked in exactly this nakedness.

” all of me loves all of you with all the curves and all the edges, all your perfect imperfections” John Ledgend: All of me.

Continue reading “face yourself”

When you fall for love…

Love comes in many ways and so do relationships. There is that prototype of a relationship, created by the church, by movies or the mainstream-idea. You date, you get closer after some experiences, you move in or you marry or both. You will have children. Happy Ending (or break up).

But in reality there is a wide variation of relationships. Everyone has its own story to tell, and everyone is worth listening to. I think a lot of relationships actually strand because of that prototype in the head of lovers and the expectations that come alongside, take the wind out of love’s sail, before they even reach the sea.

When I came to Cameroon, I did not expect to meet love. I was not even looking for it, but I was open for the people. I went out with some people and I ended up, seeing one person again and again. Feeling comfortable in his company, waiting for the next good talk, having long walks, spending long nights listening to music and so on… Till I noticed I fell for him. The very moment, when you have to admit to yourself the truth, did not get to me for a long while, because I didn’t want to face it. I refused to make up my mind about the situation, as all my expectations and ideas of relationship, did not fit to the existing setting. The harder I tried to get out, the more I got into it.

We tried to draw a future, but every picture stayed like those watercolor pictures – blurred. The only thing, we could really agree on, was: “Let’s try.”

Against all my expectations and all the advices I got, I accepted the love, which came to me by chance. I stayed open and I went back to Europe. I did not know how to make it work, but we tried.

Summary:


You may never know when loves crawls in, not even how to keep it or how it’s going to work out. You may never know what to expect, even though you have all these prototypes in your mind.

All  you can do is try to stay open for the miracle to take you on its own journey, while you write your own story and draw your own map.

Finally, love will¬†not just hit you like a stroke, there will be more than just a moment – a little fragment of it. If you stay open, it’s going to change you somehow.¬†