Changing yourself is never comming by force from outside. Changing yourself is a kind of enlightment you have to feel and the moment you see and feel the better for yourself of changing something, you will do things differently because you saw, it’s worth it. (Which doesn’t mean, that once in a while you fall back to old habits… it’s part of changing)
If you follow my blog already for a while, you know my love comes from a different culture and some problems which we face are cultural ones, some are problems many couples have. For a very long time, I suffered from our very different way of communication – which is mainly shaped by our different origins of culture – and a little bit by the family sourrounding we come from.
For me communication is part of our relationship, it’s like making love… a good talk can give you a stronger bond, as you feel how much you share. Making love also gives a strong bond, feeling how deeply you can be connected on a non-verbal way. (In case you are not the talkative one ;). ) At the same moment a good talk is one of the ways to confirm the relationship, especially when you are not together and sharing daily life. It’s the way to get yourself a hug, to get close, to know – what’s going on.
And than there are people who can have all this inside their hearts, making this dialogue to a monologue, because they can wait and their way of talking “love” is mostly done non-verbal. Everybody has it’s own way to handle distance.
This difference was getting back to me, again and again. Trying dialogue and not hearing the answering monologue made it sometimes really hard for me to understand, how love can exist like that. And it needed a lot of fights, discussions and later talks about it – how I feel, how my love feels, and what we both expect and think in exactly this situations. Anyway I still found myself in a lot of siutations, where I tried to “think it”, but it never really worked out, as my heart felt differently. … till the day came, that i experienced something new.
I changed my point of view on somethings, taken by daily life again and maybe more grown in some capacities, all of a sudden, I could hear the monologue as an answer on my dialogues. And I could sit quiet and wait… to hear the monologue becoming louder and more clearly to me. I don’t know jet, if my love could start understanding the dialogue at the same moment, but obviously it was mostly me having a problem with the way of communication, so to solve it, was also more interesting to me.
I assume, that one huge blockade was I myself. That some fears or voices inside me were talking to loud, to really listen to what I was supposed to hear. Now I know that to tolerate the difference between our different ways of communication is also part of the solution for that exact problem. And this is my changed point of few and the moment when I startet to hear, what I was supposed to hear.
See also To measure your treasure…
Take your time to really put your finger on a problem which is comming again and again to disturbe you. Make sure you find out the original problem behinde the appearance… And try to work on it. Keep in dialogue about the problem. Don’t be to hard with yourself or your partner, some things come slowly and some things need you to develop some qualities before you might understand – like a computergame, where you have to collect something in level 2 to fight the enemy in level 4. 😉